I have a good friend who works at an Italian chain restaurant. Using my constitutionally-protected right to parody, we'll call the restaurant Schmolive Gordon.
At this restaurant, all the waiters are obligated to offer a wine with every entrée. This makes me laugh because approximately 97% of the wait staff has never tasted wine, let alone possesses a working knowledge of it. Because I'm Helpful Like That, I sent over this helpful cheat-sheet when he started working at Schmolive Gordon. I'm posting it here in case anyone should ever need it.
This is a chart I've put together from knowing several wine-drinkers and from watching the Food Network. This should help with most pseudo-intellectuals. Anyone with a true understanding of wines will see right through you, but I don't think you need to worry about too many of them at Schmolive Gordon in this little town. Just fill in the blank with each section of sentence and act kind of snooty when you say it. If a customer disagrees with you, subtly roll your eyes and sigh, as if you're thinking "the customer may always be right, but YOU sir, clearly do not know wine".
The wine is _____________
with notes of _________________
and undertones of _______________.
The finish is ______________
Apparently my waiter friend has had good luck with his wine cheat sheet because he's doing quite well there. Also last night he offered us a "smooth red with undertones of squirrel". And introduced me as his sister and gave us free cheesecake.
And then he poured water down my neck.