Thursday, February 12, 2009

Because I'm a giver

I have a good friend who works at an Italian chain restaurant. Using my constitutionally-protected right to parody, we'll call the restaurant Schmolive Gordon.

At this restaurant, all the waiters are obligated to offer a wine with every entrée. This makes me laugh because approximately 97% of the wait staff has never tasted wine, let alone possesses a working knowledge of it. Because I'm Helpful Like That, I sent over this helpful cheat-sheet when he started working at Schmolive Gordon. I'm posting it here in case anyone should ever need it.

This is a chart I've put together from knowing several wine-drinkers and from watching the Food Network. This should help with most pseudo-intellectuals. Anyone with a true understanding of wines will see right through you, but I don't think you need to worry about too many of them at Schmolive Gordon in this little town. Just fill in the blank with each section of sentence and act kind of snooty when you say it. If a customer disagrees with you, subtly roll your eyes and sigh, as if you're thinking "the customer may always be right, but YOU sir, clearly do not know wine".

The wine is _____________
full-bodied
smooth
crisp
robust
nutty
complex
dry
light
hard-bodied

with notes of _________________
chocolate
citrus
berries
vanilla
apricot
oak
alligator

and undertones of _______________.
blackberry
plums
violets
orange
black cherry
grapefruit
squirrel

The finish is ______________
tangy
sparkly
buttery
earthy
smooth
spicy
other-worldly
snooty
lumpy

Apparently my waiter friend has had good luck with his wine cheat sheet because he's doing quite well there. Also last night he offered us a "smooth red with undertones of squirrel". And introduced me as his sister and gave us free cheesecake.

And then he poured water down my neck.

6 comments:

Cafe Johnsonia said...

Hee, hee, hee. This totally made me laugh.

(But it did not make me want to eat at Schmolive Gordon.)

Jenny said...

This is so funny.

Ed was a server at a nicer restaurant well-known for their extensive wine cellar and I guess it's polite to offer your server a taste of your wine if it's real nice or if you like them or something and he hated it because when he said no then they knew he had never actually tasted the wine and had not a clue what he was talking about.

Scott&Janae said...

It is funny that they offer the wine when most people around here wouldn't even touch it. It's funnier that the waiters offer it when they don't know any thing about it.

liz said...

Two of my sisters and I went to the Schmolive place, clearly pregnant, and they offered us wine. Duh.... We were silly enough just getting out of the house for a day out, we didn't need wine.....Oh and we were pregnant.

jeri said...

Cafe Johnsonia - My husband flatly refuses to eat there. We went once so our friend could be our server. He says "why would I pay that much for Italian food when you make it at home?"

Jenny - poor Ed. Maybe he should have just pretended he was violently ill and was too polite to contaminate their wine.

Liz - I was 36 weeks pregnant and went to some steak house in Dallas and the waiter offered me a wine list. Yes, I'll have a crisp white with a side of fetal alcohol poisoning, please.

hannah said...

How did I miss this post? You are HILARIOUS!