Thanksgiving: A woman didn't invent this holiday

A repost from 2008

Sorry for the lack of posts. I'm sure not too many people have been reading anyway. As we go through all of the preparations for Turkey Day, I am starting to think that there's no WAY a woman invented this holiday. Let's take a look back in history

*insert wavy flashback-style screen*

1492 - Christopher Columbus set sail in a fleet of three ships - the El Nino, the Pinto and the Carne Asada Steak Taco. After months, perhaps years, of sailing, they landed in what they thought was America. Except that it was the Caribbean. Since the ship was sailed by men, they weren't able to stop and ask for directions. Instead, they agreed to tell everyone that they had reached the Americas, declared victory and shared a big high-five.

1620 - the Pilgrims set sail from England. This time they were accompanied by their wives, who wisely asked for directions and this time the ship landed in the real America. Unfortunately the Mayflower charged extra for non-carry-on baggage and the Pilgrims had to leave behind their food storage, electric blankets and iPods. This caused much suffering the first winter.

1621 - Having befriended the local Wampanoag Indian tribe, the surviving Pilgrims celebrated with a harvest feast. The Indians brought local delicacies, such as stewed squirrel and corn while the Pilgrims shared things from "across the pond", like smallpox. The Indians introduced the concept of "The Turkey Bowl" where the least-physically-fit tribesmen competed in feats of strength and daring. The 100-meter Big Rock Toss was a favorite of the Wampanoag men. This resulted in many sprained ankles and much complaining. This primitive tradition continues to this day, except that instead of log-tossing and rock-heaving, the "feats" have been exchanged for weekend-warrior football. Meanwhile the women cooked the turkey (known then as "venison").

1784 - Ben Franklin writes a letter to his daughter, declaring the turkey to be more noble than the chosen national bird - the eagle. Various celebrity groups speak out in favor of preserving the turkey and declaring it a protected species. Other celebrities organize a benefits concert to protect the rights of the eagle. Elton John writes a song called "Giblet Wizard". The debate is ended when the Supreme Court declares the turkey "delicious" and the eagle retains its National Bird status.



1934 - With the advancement of women's rights, the ladies begin to wonder why their husbands don't help out in the kitchen, especially with the big holiday dinners. Enlightened men everywhere rose to the challenge and instead of playing football on Thanksgiving day, began to watch it on television. They reasoned that with less sprained ankles to attend to, the women would have less work making the dinner.

1985 - Redneck men attempt to revolutionize Thanksgiving by the invention of Turducken. Instead they just make it worse. Other culinary mistakes include; Stove Top Stuffing-esque Bread Nuggets, no-bake cheesecake and Jell-O with shaved carrots.

2003 - In a misguided attempt to help in the kitchen, men introduce turkey to their other two loves - oil and fire. Countless men burn down their homes in deep-fried turkey fires.

Today - Thanksgiving traditions continue, unimpeded. While men watch football and nurse their sprained ankles and singed eyebrows, women continue the tradition of delicious food and family-togetherness. I hope every one of you ladies has a wonderful holiday. Be sure to hide the matches from your husband.